copyright© 2002-2010 Barbara Joan Gushin All Rights Reserved
I spent many hours. . . hunched over...leaning on my walker.
Just gazing outside this window. Sun shining, my beautiful tree that I planted and watched grow. . . ."I'll never walk outside again , or feel the warmth of the sun on my bare skin. "
I shut everyone out ! In the inside, I felt like a helpless, frightened, little girl. Who lived her days in pain and a struggle to even do simple tasks. I felt like I was a robot, a mechanical wind-up stranger to myself.
Questions you may be thinking
Have you wondered, why I didn't listen to the suggestion of the surgeon who recommended that I go to a convalescent hospital? He tried to tell me that if I went home, there was no one that could take care of me. Once I got into my apartment I couldn't get out. I had stairs at the entrance. The back entrance was grassey rolling hills, and unlevel terrain.
I never told the reason to anyone. I had a determination that I wasn't going to 'return' to the time I was a little girl. I was left alone when I was only two years old. So many times, abandoned to shift for myself. My mother left me to do her shopping or whatever? You can read a poem about , CLICK HERE.
I loved her, longed for her and she left me alone. I know she expected me to be a brave, little, capable 'adult'. She was my mommy, I must BE capable. I hated myself for needing her, wanting her, and on the inside feeling scared.
I continued to hate ME. Now I was determined to undo that 'needing' someone. I was living my childhood all over again.
I had a close and dear friend. I loved him very much. I believed that I would become a burden, and he would begin to resent me. I didn't want to feel a longing for him, or to need him, and he would be gone, or worse, stay & show an angry face. So I became more determined to do this alone. I knew what it felt like to hate myself for wanting someone who didn't want me. My family did that to me and it hurt. I also knew, with disgust, when one stays under "obligation".
I turned down his offer to come to see me every morning before work and fix me breakfast . I told him I would cope, without him.
This way, I reasoned, I will become strong, after all, I wasn't the little girl, but a capable woman. " Mommy, I won't make the mistake again and cry inside for wanting you, and acting like I didn't". This time I would work until my 'outside' matched my "inside" Continued on Page 4
I would go into my kitchen and make breakfast for myself. Take the plate, put it on the floor and push it with my right foot as I supported my weight with my right hand. . pushed it across the floor until I was able to sit down and eat.
I discouraged my only friend from coming over after work. I understood that it was late, and he would be tired. I didn't want anyone to have to feel what I was feeling, I barely was coping and I believed he wouldn't either. I didn't want him in my life, out of obligation. That would hurt too much, so I gave him his freedom. Page 4